anxiety, communication, identity, purpose, self esteem

Feel the pain? Really?

They say letting the pain emerge is best… let it runneth over.

Accept it, acknowledge it, feel it. After having done a lot of self-help books and learning these things for myself, I felt like I couldn’t get to the point of forgetting, forgiving, and moving past it… so I began therapy. Its good, it’s okay. I’ve only been going 2 weeks. It’s weird ~ what crossed my mind after my last session ~ I didn’t expect it…

I realized my therapist is a stranger to me, I was in a state of need when I reached out to him, I went straight into my history… my “stuff”. When I got through that initial emergent feeling of needing help after having a prolonged sickness, after having been worn down, tired and vulnerable… I got back up and back into my routine… I began to feel regret for opening up so much. Regret for not just being the reclusive me and fighting through this alone like I always have. That is what I do… that’s been my go to.. I hide my pain, I have for a long time, hiding behind a mask is my norm.

As I continued to go and he would ask questions like “how I was doing” I felt strange, I almost felt defensive.

“What? You don’t believe I can handle this? … You don’t know me!! I fight, I survive, I am charming and lovely and I handle things with grace! That’s who I am! ~ Sorry that I allowed you to believe otherwise, forget all that! I’m fine!” I didn’t say this, it’s just been my internal feeling. I realize now … I’ve only shown him the weak, sad, the in need part of me … I am NOT that! WHAT AM I DOING? I have never shown that, I am regretful that I am doing that now! What is wrong with me? I’ve allowed my friends into this new version of me as well, often times I feel pitied and weak … I’ve always been the strong one. I have always had all the answers, People come to me for my strength and wisdom. Who is this person that goes and sits in front of a stranger and whines about her life?? He doesn’t know ME!! He doesn’t KNOW that I am GRATEFUL, BLESSED, STRONG, WISE, AMAZING!!!!! He doesn’t know that!!! I almost wish I never started … like could we just wipe away what I’ve said… I’m fine, I don’t need help!!

What is this? Why am I battling with my own self about this? I started out feeling brave to do this. I assumed it would bring me new confidence and understanding of myself … so far it’s only made me feel regretful… shameful for feeling… guilty for sharing… it’s almost made me feel weaker. Like I’m dwelling now on these things I’ve said out loud, almost feeling like a victim, I don’t want to feel like a victim!!!! I feel like I’ve shed my armor, an armor I’ve spent a lifetime creating for myself. I am out of my comfort zone. Is this part of the process?

Thank God I read something recently that said “if you question and think you’re going insane then you’re not” ~ it went on to explain how an insane person doesn’t stop to reflect, look inward and question it, they are just irrational and out of their own mind. I do have to say that’s brought me comfort. I am really struggling to know how to help myself right now.

The truth is I am going through a lot right now. I am still home from work due to illness… another one …I am stressed about that to say the least. I am seeing a medical specialist next week to try to get some answers to literally years of ailments, most of them having to do with vision, balance, migraines, and chronic pain. I am quite sure the sitting in this chair with pain, feeling isolated and sorry for myself, questioning why I can’t just be “me” without so much effort to feel normal, I remember when that came with ease. I am exhausted, I am frustrated, I am sad… I read and read… I ponder and research my thoughts trying and hoping to find answers.

I do try to snap out of this, try to tell myself to get up, get some fresh air… use my body and mind for something else but then I stand up and the dizziness takes over, I can’t, I literally can’t. It’s a horrible cycle that I don’t know how to stop. People who love me tell me to be patient with myself… I know this, I agree and I try, I honestly try.

I will again try… Baby step #1 will be to go to the specialist next week, not expect healing that day, but hope for understanding. I will pray for some answers, some explanation to what is going on. I will pray that he gives me something to do or focus on to begin to break free of this cycle, the fear, the anxiety and now I suspect some depression, from being out of commission, being and feeling so far from center for myself.

I promise myself… I will continue to try.

adolescence, communication, expectations, family, identity, marriage, raising kids, respect, school, self esteem, teenagers, toddlers, trust

All we expect is respect.

It seems to me that kids have a lot of expectations put on them today.  Expected to perform at high levels in school, in sports, and basically in life. When raising our children, my husband and I tried not to put a lot of expectations on them. We have found a foolproof way of transitioning through each phase of our children’s lives with just one thing expected: respect. We certainly didn’t set out 22 years ago as parents with any theories or agenda… we have navigated ourselves along with one simple basis for everything. Our three children, now 22, 18, and 17 were raised with my husband and I nurturing them, guiding them, and respecting them. We in return felt we deserved respect and used it as the foundation for each and every stage of their lives.

When they were young, even before the age of 2, our children were taught to understand respect. Even without language yet, there was unspoken communication happening. When they were told not to touch something, but they did anyway and looked to us for a reaction, we were teaching them then how we would handle such things. We were being tested, this set a basis for our forever relationship. If we were to say “no” to something, the follow through we exhibited was crucial to our bond and our trust. If we had not stayed true to every word we uttered to them as toddlers until this current day, I believe the trust and respect we share today could not have existed. Our oldest son said something to me once… I remember the exact spot we stood in the hallway by the kitchen, at the age of 16, towering over me… he said, “Mom, I don’t always like what you say, but I trust it.” That coming from my oldest child, at my first attempt at parenting a teenager, was a monumental moment for me. I knew in that moment that all the years of being true to my word was helping us in one of the hardest transitions of life.

We have honestly displayed to our children since day 1 of their lives that all we expect is respect. When they became school aged children we did not put great emphasis on grades. We did not have expectations set for how their letter grades on report cards should look. Our marks were always based on respect for teachers and authority at school. By learning that we had expectations of certain behavior at school the grades would easily follow. When they would uphold themselves a certain way and respect the school and the classroom, they learned respect for themselves and the learning happened.

When it came to sports we didn’t have expectations of how they would perform on the field or the court, it would be expected that they respect their coaches, the officials and their teammates. Their performance level would grow and grow due to them respecting themselves and others, and always working hard.

Our children’s social lives have always been nurtured as well. We have always put great emphasis on respecting relationships and friends. We have always welcomed their friends into our home as family members. I believe my marriage of 22 years is stronger everyday because my husband and I respect what each of us do financially and emotionally to contribute to the growth of our family. Our children are witness to that and it helps them to be better people.

Our society today puts so much emphasis on the wrong things. Raising children with morals and values and to have self respect will equip them for most anything. I am blessed to have been a stay at home mom until our youngest was five, caring for other people’s children to help out financially. If people could find ways of putting more effort into their families we would have stronger communities and stronger communities translates into even bigger successes for our entire culture. When people begin to realize that emotional wealth is more important than financial wealth. Our children’s well being should mean more than the car we drive or the house we live in.

When paying our monthly bills, I often strategize with numbers in hopes of paying more monthly to the principal of our home mortgage to pay it off earlier. To do this we would need to cut money in certain places, it’s always the “extras” that would have to go first. The “extras” in our life right now are weekend social expenses … that translates into our weekend trips to watch our son play football at college, visiting our daughter away at school and treating her out to a nice dinner, and/or the expense of buying pizzas and drinks for our 17 year old to host friends over for game night in the basement… Each and every time I consider cutting those expenses I know that we are doing the right things with our money. The investment in our children’s emotional well being far outweighs any desire I may have to cut some years off of our mortgage. What I see these days are bigger homes, fancier cars, fancy vacations, and kids who feel lost and disconnected. I have a strong wish for things to be different for future families. We need to get back to simpler times, less material things, and family togetherness.

I believe if all things could begin and end with respect we would all be better off. The definition for respect is ‘a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.’ Kids can learn to respect their peers, their parents, and most anyone. Teaching people to set aside ego and find things they admire in others can boost self esteem enormously. In today’s world we have to be careful to teach our children that you don’t respect someone just because they are your authority, respect is earned. It is important to learn respect for yourself as all other relationships hinge upon the one you have with yourself.

Finding ways to show our children they are special and important is the key to them learning to respect themselves and others. When we take time to really be present in their lives, they feel it. Being at sporting events, plays, or concerts… anything that is important to them makes them feel they are important. Photographing them at special times and just ordinary times shows them we care… then looking through old photos together bonds us and helps them to grasp the beauty of moments past and those yet to come. We always have had grand birthday parties, celebrating them and finding great joy in their existence!! We still have grand birthday parties at the ages of 15, 16, 17… Everyone loves a party!

We have found ways in our lives to honor and respect our children and they in turn learn how to do the same for us. Children have their own sets of woes and worries and when they do not feel like they are ‘less than’ just because they are ‘kids’, they feel respected. Let’s face it, the problems and obstacles they encounter each day are all relative to the ones we face.

“The family is the nucleus of civilization.”  ~ Will Durant

DSC_0334