anxiety, communication, identity, purpose, self esteem

Feel the pain? Really?

They say letting the pain emerge is best… let it runneth over.

Accept it, acknowledge it, feel it. After having done a lot of self-help books and learning these things for myself, I felt like I couldn’t get to the point of forgetting, forgiving, and moving past it… so I began therapy. Its good, it’s okay. I’ve only been going 2 weeks. It’s weird ~ what crossed my mind after my last session ~ I didn’t expect it…

I realized my therapist is a stranger to me, I was in a state of need when I reached out to him, I went straight into my history… my “stuff”. When I got through that initial emergent feeling of needing help after having a prolonged sickness, after having been worn down, tired and vulnerable… I got back up and back into my routine… I began to feel regret for opening up so much. Regret for not just being the reclusive me and fighting through this alone like I always have. That is what I do… that’s been my go to.. I hide my pain, I have for a long time, hiding behind a mask is my norm.

As I continued to go and he would ask questions like “how I was doing” I felt strange, I almost felt defensive.

“What? You don’t believe I can handle this? … You don’t know me!! I fight, I survive, I am charming and lovely and I handle things with grace! That’s who I am! ~ Sorry that I allowed you to believe otherwise, forget all that! I’m fine!” I didn’t say this, it’s just been my internal feeling. I realize now … I’ve only shown him the weak, sad, the in need part of me … I am NOT that! WHAT AM I DOING? I have never shown that, I am regretful that I am doing that now! What is wrong with me? I’ve allowed my friends into this new version of me as well, often times I feel pitied and weak … I’ve always been the strong one. I have always had all the answers, People come to me for my strength and wisdom. Who is this person that goes and sits in front of a stranger and whines about her life?? He doesn’t know ME!! He doesn’t KNOW that I am GRATEFUL, BLESSED, STRONG, WISE, AMAZING!!!!! He doesn’t know that!!! I almost wish I never started … like could we just wipe away what I’ve said… I’m fine, I don’t need help!!

What is this? Why am I battling with my own self about this? I started out feeling brave to do this. I assumed it would bring me new confidence and understanding of myself … so far it’s only made me feel regretful… shameful for feeling… guilty for sharing… it’s almost made me feel weaker. Like I’m dwelling now on these things I’ve said out loud, almost feeling like a victim, I don’t want to feel like a victim!!!! I feel like I’ve shed my armor, an armor I’ve spent a lifetime creating for myself. I am out of my comfort zone. Is this part of the process?

Thank God I read something recently that said “if you question and think you’re going insane then you’re not” ~ it went on to explain how an insane person doesn’t stop to reflect, look inward and question it, they are just irrational and out of their own mind. I do have to say that’s brought me comfort. I am really struggling to know how to help myself right now.

The truth is I am going through a lot right now. I am still home from work due to illness… another one …I am stressed about that to say the least. I am seeing a medical specialist next week to try to get some answers to literally years of ailments, most of them having to do with vision, balance, migraines, and chronic pain. I am quite sure the sitting in this chair with pain, feeling isolated and sorry for myself, questioning why I can’t just be “me” without so much effort to feel normal, I remember when that came with ease. I am exhausted, I am frustrated, I am sad… I read and read… I ponder and research my thoughts trying and hoping to find answers.

I do try to snap out of this, try to tell myself to get up, get some fresh air… use my body and mind for something else but then I stand up and the dizziness takes over, I can’t, I literally can’t. It’s a horrible cycle that I don’t know how to stop. People who love me tell me to be patient with myself… I know this, I agree and I try, I honestly try.

I will again try… Baby step #1 will be to go to the specialist next week, not expect healing that day, but hope for understanding. I will pray for some answers, some explanation to what is going on. I will pray that he gives me something to do or focus on to begin to break free of this cycle, the fear, the anxiety and now I suspect some depression, from being out of commission, being and feeling so far from center for myself.

I promise myself… I will continue to try.

communication, life, purpose

What’s in a Blogger’s name?

When I was considering blogging I knew I needed to give myself a name.  A catchy name, a creative name, a name that would be short but yet do a good job at describing me.  I had other ideas… The Seasoned Mom,  The Wise Mom… I wondered about using my motto “Simplify and Slow down” with The Simple Mom… I wasn’t completely happy about any of those.  I didn’t want to pat myself on the back with my name, I didn’t want to define myself as something that I couldn’t live up to, so I decided to look inside of myself and I came up with The Bountiful Mom.

No one who knows me can deny that I have bounty, I have bounty on many levels and I am always happy to share.  I share love daily, I share food daily, I share smiles daily, I share whatever I have and another needs daily.  I even share thoughts and ideas even when no one wants to hear them! (That’s why I thought blogging might be great for me!)

I enjoy being bountiful.  I believe everyone has a bounty of something.  I believe we could all learn to share parts of ourselves for the betterment of others.  I wish people weren’t afraid of their own ideas.  I often see people shy away from sharing what’s inside of them because they feel it’s not “status quo”.  I feel everyone has valuable things inside of them that can and should be shared and embraced.  I guess in order for this to happen we all have to keep our minds open and ready for new ideas and new ways of looking at things.  And there lies the problem… The way I see the world isn’t the way everyone sees the world. I try hard not to get frustrated about this fact.  Let’s face it, even those I’m speaking of with closed minds have valuable things to offer us all… Their minds are closed for a reason, the way they look at the world was taught to them.

I do not believe anyone has ‘bad’ in them, I do not believe anyone wants to be ‘bad’.  Everything within somebody is a result of being conditioned or taught to be that way.  We all have good in us.  We all ~ deep within ourselves ~ want to have a purpose, we want to be something good for someone else.  Sometimes it just takes someone patient to enter our lives and convince us of it… Someone to help you find your bounty!!

Everyone can be bountiful!!