When I think of time and question if I use it wisely… I am conflicted. Overall in my life I would say that we use our time well… we use it for creating precious moments, being together & building family memories.
But do you see how when I think of “my” time my response turned immediately to a “we” and I referred to family memories, being together and creating precious moments… Well, that is the conflicting part now that my children are grown. They are creating there own memories now, elsewhere, without me. I know that’s the way it is supposed to be, I know this means we’ve done a good job at parenting… but this is part of the transitioning process I am finding to be so difficult.
When I think of “my” time when my kids were young ~ my time was always dictated by their schedules. School activities, sports practices, rides to friends houses, appointments… you name it we were doing it and all of these things were written out on a calendar ~ my life was based on their schedules ~ I didn’t have to think much about it. We were always in doing mode! Now that they are grown, and two of them out of the house, my time is becoming my own and I have NO IDEA how to use it! Literally… even dinner has been a struggle… even our dinner time was dictated by practices and activities. With no instruction, no have-tos, I find myself not knowing how to manage my own time now. Our youngest is 18 and a senior in high school, we are doing college visits and we use our time these days for senior year basketball games and keeping busy helping with all aspects of the basketball program… this has always been our normal with our kids activities. With that on the horizon of no longer being our reality… it frightens me. I’m not sure how long it will take me to stop mourning that part of my life and begin to know how to live the next phase.
I believe my husband wishes I would figure it out. I think that even though we speak of the major differences in our lives since the kids have grown, I realize that the running the kids around, the hours in the car with them, the scheduling of activities, all those aspects were mine during his work hours… although he understands the changes, I do believe they are impacting my life differently. I do know that I am happier when I’m busy. I cannot sit idle too long or my energy is used to overthink things, and when my mind is racing it often can turn negative and I beat myself up for not doing anything. I need to find ways of keeping busy and my mind hard at work. I’m not sure what that looks like for my future. When I think of next year, I think of our youngest son playing basketball at college and the potential for us to travel to games, I think of our oldest with his new promotion, his steady girlfriend and his life direction and the possibility of weddings and grandchildren… but again, do you see that my thoughts revolve around our children? I can’t envision my alone time with myself or with my husband yet. This is frightening.
As I have stated in many posts before, I am a work in progress. There are changes ahead and I can’t see my life’s direction clearly yet. For 23 years (our oldest son’s age) I have had my daily decisions made for me…I dealt with things directly in front of me. I’ve been a mom, I’ve poured my whole soul into that one job… my role as my children’s mom is changing. Even with each day I am learning how to fit into the role of a mom with adult children, their needs are so different now… I think I’m doing okay. I will continue to grow as a person and learn my own likes and dislikes again… I will be patient with myself…I will learn to focus my energy on me and into my relationship with my husband. After all, we just bought his and her bikes… spring days riding by the beach with my love… I can see it!