adult children, anxiety, family, identity, life, purpose

Getting here…

I am a mother. I am a mother with anxiety. I was a child with anxiety that grew into an adult with anxiety. I have children with anxiety. I feel like when I write this it is different than when I speak it.  When I try to talk to someone about having anxiety, I feel the average person questions it. It is a label, not an understanding.

I’ve been told when I’m in an emotional state over something that it’s better to push that feeling away and stay focused… “keep working and stay busy, that feeling will go away!”  What I know is that is called suppressing your feelings, not fully acknowledging what is showing up for you and not dealing with it. With all of my heart and soul I do not agree that this is good practice, those feelings are going to turn up some how some way! Sometimes in bad habits, bad decisions and even physical pain.  I like to deal with things head on ~ when they are directly in front of me, I don’t set it aside and pretend it’s not there! Most people I know don’t have time for all of this self reflection and dealing with it… it is all business and there is no time for feelings.

Until my children reached the age that they were beginning to feel crippled from this disease themselves my husband and I helped them without professionals. I would read and learn and teach them. We would practice breathing techniques and learned to find ways to shift their negative mind.  My sons anxiety has been evident and present since he was 3 years old. My daughter’s didn’t become evident and spoken of until she was college age when she developed depression along with her anxiety.

My story now is that I feel such new struggles with mine since my children have grown.  I believe motherhood may have given me a way to hide. My social anxieties were relieved with going places as a family and my focus could be on my children, not on me.  It helped me to feel comfortable and have something to “do” or someone to always talk to.  I have felt it get worse and worse as the kids don’t need me as much, but now, with them gone off to college and my husband and I learning to be just us, it is feeling scary.  I believe it may be scary for the average person but with anxiety it feels magnified. Horrifying really.

I wonder… How will I have a conversation and not have a way “out” -The “Excuse me… I’ll be right back I need to go help my son.”  and never return.  I always had an escape from what was uncomfortable. I am feeling like I should own up to something I’ve tried to hide most of my life.  Tell people, explain myself to others. Why am I so ashamed of this?  Why is it such a big reveal? Maybe it has already presented in many of my life situations and I’m the only one not facing it? It’s been a lifetime of feeling like this… questions, shame, guilt, ridicule.  All the things I have coached my children to not fall into the trap of, all the while trying to help myself.  The answer to why I don’t own up to it… reveal it… is because I have attempted to do so to some of my closest friends and family and there often feels there isn’t much understanding. Just blank stares with words behind the glare that feel uncomfortable. Because there are no words I make up my own. I can hear their words without them even saying them.  A childhood full of being told not to be “so sensitive”, that everything’s not always about me. Not feeling supported when I needed reassurance on things I felt I had done well.  I did need a lot of reassurance, school didn’t come as easily to me as it did for my sister. I loved art, I loved being creative, I loved drawing with my grandmother.  The things I found important and valuable were often not shared by others.  I honestly do not remember doing much right.

I am strange. I am different. I have known this for a long time, even as a young child. I most often felt misunderstood, I often feel those same feelings today.  I am a work in progress, aren’t we all? I live everyday to try to understand myself better and find peace in other’s perspectives. Forgiving for hurts I felt. I often share what I have learned with others who will listen. This makes me strange.  In a world of move faster and achieve greater things than the person standing beside you, I am SO different. I am not in any form of a race with any individual to get to any type of end point. I am on a journey. I believe that each situation I am faced with and each person that crosses my path has something to give me – maybe in the form of wisdom, growth, or maybe just joy.

I work with children in a school as my profession. I love children. I love the innocence, the truth and honesty they convey. I am brought great joy through a child’s smile.  I work as a paraprofessional in a school, my colleagues are lead teachers who want kids to perform well… achieve, achieve, achieve… I want them to be, be, be.  My love for the kids shines through everyday ~ some people embrace this and others do not. I remember being a struggling child. I came from a great home, a two parent household, my parents worked at home, we were taught respect, from the outside looking in I had no reason to struggle, but I was. I know now that it was my anxiety. I can remember testing in school… I would freeze up, I knew nothing, absolutely nothing. I felt so stupid. I still often feel stupid. That little girl is still inside of me… fearful, shameful, misunderstood.  I identify with children who struggle in this way. Being a paraprofessional I feel I have a unique opportunity to connect with children and be available to help them.  I work in our town’s elementary school library, after years of being there I feel it is my calling.

I have great empathy for individuals in pain. Not just people I know, but people I see in distress, I want to be able to help people who suffer.  It is programmed inside of me and I often feel if I know someone hurts and I do not aid in making it better than I have failed. I am often left exhausted over situations that I could never have changed or helped but spend so much energy on wishing I could have.

“As you grow older, you will discover you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”  ~ Audrey Hepburn

awakening, clarity, family, identity, life, peace, purpose, respect, responsibility, self esteem, time

I guess that’s why they call it work…

I have been in a working relationship with a difficult person for 10 years. I have attempted to look at this problem from so many points of view and perspectives that I have exhausted myself time and time again.  I am a fixer, if there is a problem I want to fix it. This one, there seems to be no fix. I have had to learn to “fix” from within.  This has been such a growing period in my life that I honestly feel as though this situation has been given to me. Like maybe I should even thank her for the struggle, because I am a stronger person for it.

I could call her names (I certainly have done that over the years)… she’s controlling, she’s heartless, she’s self-centered, she’s C-R-A-Z-Y!   What I’ve come to see and understand is that this doesn’t help me. Finding her faults and focusing on them doesn’t help me be better at who I am and how I conduct my work.  I have become stronger because I have learned to see my strengths and weaknesses through it all and work on them instead.  I cannot work on her… I cannot help her, I have to concentrate on helping myself.

Leaving was never an option. I absolutely love my job. I am very clear that it is my calling. I am very good at it, it is aligned with my passions and beliefs, and I will not give it up because we cannot get along.  I have been supported by my administration which has been a blessing. They see how valuable I am and I am proud of that.

My advice to people struggling with co-workers is to take all of it and look inward. Do not allow your ego to get involved. When my ego steps in and wants to take over it gets all befuddled. I need to stay focused and calm with my eye on my goal. The goal isn’t to beat her, be better than her, or to prove anything.  It is to personally have a good day, to do the job I am there to do and do it well. I have learned to leave my emotions at the door.  We do not speak about our personal lives to each other, we are strictly business and this works for us. I am such a social person that not having a personal relationship with someone I spend so much time with has been an adjustment, but with doing it I see it is for the best.

I do have to admit that I am in a new stage of life and it has helped me at work this year. My husband and I became empty nesters this year, our youngest has flown the coop and my home-work life balance is feeling much better. I believe I contributed to much of the “stuff” at work by having inner turmoil about not being able to be 100% at either place. I like to give all of myself to where I’m needed and I never felt fully respected for what I have had to give to my family over the years of working in this job.  I am on the other side of it now and my family is strong. My kids are succeeding, I have raised good humans and I am in my 25th year of a beautiful marriage. I pat myself on the back for where I am today and have also learned that I don’t need anyone else to do the “patting”, I know what I’ve done is right and I am stronger for it all.

As a mother, as a wife, as a daughter and as an employee I feel I have had to make my decisions day to day to where my loyalty has had to be. I will have to continue to do that and go forward having faith that it will feel balanced.  I plan to continue on this journey becoming stronger and better than I was yesterday. I’m happy with me!

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”  ~ Mahatma Gandhi

adult children, anxiety, clarity, family, identity, life, marriage, peace, purpose, raising kids, school, Uncategorized, writing

Ready to write…

It’s been a while. A while since I’ve been moved to write again. I have been doing a good job at looking inward and searching for a better understanding of me in the past few months.

I have been disconnected from FaceBook since May (9 months) and it feels refreshing. I do not do much social media at all. I am a new member of LinkedIn and I am enjoying it,  seeing other people’s professional accomplishments and other’s rooting them on for it, now that’s refreshing! We did away with cable and only use our Amazon FireStick for our TV, this has helped not have the news in our face.  I have a routine of doing a morning check of the news on my phone before work from sources that I have hand selected and of whom I trust.  This has been helpful in my daily life.  I was just feeling bombarded (literally!) by too much information.  I needed to set boundries and set limits for myself,  I find the steps I’ve taken have been helpful.

My husband and I are navigating the empty nest very well. We survived holiday break; getting first semester grades, adjusted social lives and the return of higher grocery bills. They have both now returned to the University, happy and ready for a successful second semester. We have settled into being just the two of us again and have adjusted to not hearing from them very often. It feels good to know they are out there navigating this big world without having to rely on us for much. They are doing great! Our oldest son is still very happy in his new career and is thriving in the business world. I guess it’s feeling more and more like I can breath.

Speaking of breathing… I began to meditate. This is something I’ve often thought about but have never practiced.  I am using the Calm App on my phone and it has been wonderful. I highly suggest it. It has helped to create space in my mind, I feel I am more at ease and have more clarity these days. First of all, I’ve never been able to let myself shut out the world. I literally put in my headphones and it is just me in my space for 20 minutes a day (10 min of meditation and 10 min of stretching).  I don’t know where or what anyone else is doing, it’s about me! This is an entirely new concept for me and it feels amazing! I feel as though I am on my way to taking better care of myself. I’ve done an awful lot of caring for others, but myself, not so much.

Which leads me to my husband having his surgery.  He had his second hip replacement  surgery in October. He is still doing all of his physical therapy and working hard at being back 100%… but can I just tell you, he is OUT OF PAIN!  The transformation is unbelievable! He is happier, he is stronger, he is more confident!  I am better because he is better.  I worried about him so much, he was always in pain. That is gone and we now take walks together, he wants to do things with me again… we are literally living a new life! I have to admit for almost the entirety of our marriage my husband has been in pain.  He has had 6 surgeries in a 10 year period and prior to his first hip surgery 10 years ago he suffered with the pain of his arthritis for a very long time.  He is a very young man for having been through all of this. He is only 53 and I am 46.  We have our sights set on our future now, he is healthy, happy and pain free.  I have been a caregiver to my children, my husband and anyone else who needed help for what feels like my entire life.  I am entering into the ME ZONE.  I am exercising, meditating, saying “no” when asked to join committees and boards.  I am feeling refreshed for the first time in a very long time. It feels simply wonderful!

There is something else that is different also. I need you to understand my husband is Superman.  He has worked to provide for us throughout all of his pain, he does not complain, he works a full day and then works around the house and maintains anything needing to be done… he is my hero.  Well, that being said, he is also my children’s hero. The disturbance and upheaval of our family from him being laid up over the years has taken a toll on myself and my children.  I have had anxiety since I was a child, but with the life we have experienced over the last 10-12 years it has flared up in new ways. The uncertainty of his surgeries, his recovery, his being out of work, the finances, his physical therapy, our car accident when he couldn’t be with us… the list goes on. This has taken a toll on my mind and my body.  I have been the one to care for him, I cared for the kids, I worked to keep his spirits up when he felt down about being laid up and not able to be the partner I needed. I was everyone’s cheerleader. I worked during this time also, trying to find the balance between my work and my home, this proving not to be an easy task.   Well, it seems we are on the other side of it now. He is feeling strong in body and mind, He knows what he needs to do to stay healthy and works hard at it everyday.  But in the meantime our two youngest children are battling with anxiety. They are both in college now and their doctor has told me that the trauma to the family through all of these unsettling times and not being sure of the outcome for their father being in and out of hospitals so often has played a big role in the people they are today.  They are fearful of the unknown, the “fight or flight” response is very real for them. Navigating college life and balancing their lives has been a bit of a struggle, but what I know from experience struggle brings strength and I have great faith in their ability to overcome these feelings of being out of control of their lives.  This is an unsettling time of not being able to see your future clearly and it is uneasy.  I do feel a lot of guilt due to my not being what they needed through out our family’s hardships. I wish it could have been different but what I know now is that I could not have controlled what happened to us.  We got through the difficulty and have persevered. They are seeing the end result of where the struggle has brought my husband and I and I know they will be ok.

Life is a journey, we often don’t know what’s around the next corner.  This exact notion has brought me great anxiety on the heels of many twists and turns, but I am also learning to embrace it. And with my husband standing strong beside me and loving me more everyday… I feel unstoppable.  It feels like we’ve climbed and climbed and have finally gotten to some sort of clearing in the trees and the sun is shining.  We can see the path ahead of us… we will just stop here for a while and enjoy the view!

“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” ~ Louisa May Alcott

 

 

adult children, clarity, family, life, marriage, raising kids, school, time, writing

The Sound of Silence

Yes… it’s a Simon & Garfunkle song… a beautiful song etched in my memory from childhood… but it also the phrase that came to me when I arrived home from work today.

You see, it has happened. Almost every post I’ve written since I began blogging has mentioned it at one time or another… today it is my reality.  We spent our weekend moving our two youngest children into college… we are officially “empty nesters”.  This term has been thrown around for years as my husband and I have approached this moment.  Well, the whole weekend went well… We spent it together as a family in a rental home.  Our nephew, our oldest son and his girlfriend joined us and we vacationed a few days of the long weekend before the “move in”.  I did great… the diversion of disguising the whole good-bye weekend as something else really worked for me.  I didn’t even cry at the moment of good-bye at the University.  You see, our two youngest are going to the same college, only a 45 minute ferry ride and a 1 hour drive away.  I have felt good with the whole transition… “they have each other and they are close to home, easy for me to get to them if I need or want to”… these are the words I’ve uttered to myself and others literally thousands of times in the last few months.  I had adequately prepared myself… all went well at move in and drop off.  They were happy, we were happy… “wow that was easy” I thought yesterday as I drove out of the parking lot of the University with my husband.  I had worried a bit about my over-looking the fact that I would be saying good-bye to many of my loved ones within the same half hour, after our wonderful weekend together, but I did great.  Boy, I impressed myself.

About a mile into the drive, the car was silent.  There were no more piles of “stuff” to move, there was no more grocery bags of snacks and dorm room essentials that had been jotted down on lists for the last month or more… it was just me and my husband.  I realized we were driving further and further away from our children… each rotation of the tires meant we were entering brand new territory… our “new chapter”… uncharted waters.  Tears began to flow.  I know full well that we will be fine, we “may even enjoy it” (like everyone keeps saying) but if you’ve read any of my other posts you know that transitions can be hard for me.  We wept together on the highway on the drive home, not many words between us, we didn’t need them.

Well today… today is a brand new day!  A new school year started today… as a school teacher that comes with its own mix of emotions.  I had to switch gears last night and focus on today.  A busy morning of the new routine… what I was wearing, timing of the dogs feeding and going out, just all my own stuff!  I had even reached the point last night that I convinced myself how wonderful it will be to not have to share the car, my day would be my own! Bring it on!

So my first day back at school went well… a day of firsts for all the kiddos at school. New outfits, new schedules, lots to focus on!  I just moved along so easily… no tears when colleagues asked how the “drop off” went?  I was good.

I then left school and drove home. On my drive I saw the bus in my rear view mirror and saw parents waiting at bus stops to greet their children.  Ok… So? It entered my mind… those fond memories of yesteryear came and went quickly and I moved on… no tears, I was ok.  I then arrived home and the dogs were there to greet me (perfect planning on my part to have dogs a part of our life just as the kids were to begin leaving us) … That was great, I let them outside, we visited a bit in the yard.  We then came inside, they were content to go to their water bowl, the excitement of my being home had wore off for them.  I went to the back deck to water my plants…  As I pruned and watered I became fully aware of the silence.

It was my first day back to school… for 18 years it has always been someone else’s first day back too… someone to share with.  Before I worked at the school, I was the bus stop greeter… it was a hand-in-hand walk home talking about the days events.  When I began working at the Elementary School my kids attend in our home town I drove us all home… a sometimes quiet or sometimes enthusiastic exchange in the car about how our days went.  When they started high school it was different, I could feel it changing, but I was still the driver… picking them up at practices and having good conversation in the car with them and their friends.  Then licenses were acquired and it seemed they needed the car more and more … they became the drivers and they would pick ME up… they were older now and conversations got even better.

Well, today… today on the deck I realized there was only the sound of silence.  My mind went to the fact that I COULD call them, or text them… check in and see “How’s it going?”  Initiate that conversation I need so bad.  But I know I won’t… I remember the same head & heart battle I had when my oldest left for college… Wanting to reach out so bad with my heart but knowing with my head that it’s not in either one of our best interests.  It is healthy for them to not need to talk to me ~ It’s healthy to allow distance right now.  Knowing that and wanting to ignore my wisdom made it harder of course.

I cried on the deck alone today, I am crying now!  Coming to full realization that this is life now.  My children will only grow older by the day and need their mom less and less.  It is the way it is supposed to be.  They will have other people to share stories and days events with. Oh My God…. How did I get here??? My heart aches so terribly with this transition… my writing always helps me… this, this I am finding hard to write. Silence will become a new norm at our house.

I will eagerly await each day for my husband to arrive home so we can share stories. We will begin our new chapter.  We started last night after arriving home from move-in weekend … we tried finding a program on TV we both might like… we tried Episode I of Game of Thrones — I can say with absolute certainty that THAT WILL NOT be our new show… I can’t say it works for both of us! What I do know is we will figure it out.

I will pray for the strength that each day of silence will get easier.  That I will begin to smile easily through the memories and not cry as much.  I will envision their smiling faces on move in day and know they are where they want to be.  I know that growth doesn’t come without feeling uncomfortable… this is something I’ve always taught them and I will once again take some of my own advice.  I sincerely love them and achingly miss them… but I know I will be ok.

 

adult children, anxiety, clarity, communication, identity, life, peace, purpose, raising kids, responsibility, school, self esteem, trust

Finding Ones Balance

How do I feel about my two adult children being prescribed medicine from a phsychiatrist in the last few months? Well, mixed emotions I suppose (like most things in my life). After all,  I am the one who suggested and advocated for the visit to the doctor.  Did I suspect medicine was a possibility?… Well the answer is, not really!?! Not right away.  Maybe get to know them and have an understanding of their lives before prescribing… but then I tell myself he’s a doctor – he looks at facts – he asked questions and he knows the proper answers. Well okay then, I understand.  But it is still my children, it is still their brains and bodies that are being altered.  But yes altered, altered because there is a possible chemical imbalance that is causing them to struggle, isn’t this what I wanted someone to help them with? Yes.

Do I fully understand medicine today and why it is so much more common than when my parents were children? No.  Do i want to learn? Yes. Do I look at my extended family and see alcoholism and struggle? Yes.  Do I want to find a way for my children to be successful and able to fulfill their own hopes and dreams? Yes.  Is medicine the answer to helping them through a difficult time so they can achieve this?  The answer here is… I have to put trust in their doctor and believe that they are well monitored. So yes.  Yes it is the answer for them for now.

I have also struggled in my life.  I ask myself the question “Am I trying to pave a smoother road for my kids than I have had?”  Isn’t that what parents do?  Is medication for them the correct answer for doing this? If I had been medicated for my anxiety would I have done all the soul searching that has led me to today?  Does medication take away creativity and true personalities?  Is this right for MY children???  I could ask 100’s and 100’s of questions and never have answers to them until it is tried for them as individuals.  I have to continuously remind myself that they are being monitored by both me and their doctor through the beginning stages of beginning the medicine.  This has been done thoughtfully and professionally.

Do I know whether or not medicine for me in the earlier years of my life would have helped me? No.  Do I think I may have been a better student or a better friend had I been medicated to help my anxiety and focus? No, I don’t know the answers to these many questions that flow through my mind… all I know for today is I helped my children to seek help for the way they were feeling and this is where it has led us.  Does there seem to be stigma attached to people on “meds”? Yes indeed there is. Should there be? No, there absolutely should not.  Each person is traveling their own journey… We all gain help along the way in different kinds of ways.  I am thankful that my children are on the path to self-understanding and learning about themselves and their bodies.  The medication they are on will help to regulate some of the things that have been out of sync for them and should help to put them back in balance.  Life is all about balance.

quotes-on-balance1-min-450x450

adult children, clarity, family, life, marriage, responsibility, school

The 3 R’s of Summer

School’s out for summer… We are always asked by administration to relax and rejuvenate over the upcoming months and prepare for our return in the fall.  I have always worked long hours in the summer, finding ways to supplement our family’s income and get ahead financially before the winter months hit. Last year was one of my most difficult years at my school job, digging deep to find strength to be patient and kind to someone who didn’t show the same respects to me. This summer I have made a conscious decision to work less hours and spend time focusing on my own well being. I will work on things in my home that I have put off for too long and I will find ways of managing things I haven’t had time to manage that feel messy.  I will spend my time this summer with the 3 R’s Resting, Relaxing and Rejuvenating myself.

I have had a realization that the things I will accomplish are going to be more valuable than money this summer.  Our youngest child will be flying the nest in September and my husband and I will be legit “Empty Nesters”. This moment has been on the horizon for some time now and I need to mentally and physically be stronger than I have felt in recent years.  I need to slow down and simplify our life.  I began this process by signing-off of my FaceBook account and taking a hiatus from social media.  That began with seeing a video about the Millennium Question and how social media is affecting our children in this generation, I felt by setting an example to my children may be one small step in awareness to its negative affects.  I feel like so much in this world is OUT of my control right now that I NEED to have some things IN my control… those things being my home, my finances, my health, my own, as well as my husband’s overall well-being. I want to get back to cooking healthy meals and exercising, finding order in our home, getting our finances on track and planning our future.  I want to feel strong mentally and physically. We also cancelled our Direct TV account a month ago.  I just couldn’t watch the news anymore… the negativity, the hatred, the sadness… it was all taking a toll on me. I look forward to slowing down and rejuvenating myself over these summer months.

I will begin with today. We had house guests over the 4th of July holiday weekend, a full house. Orchestrated dinners and gatherings for days… constant energy dedicated to the enjoyment of others.  Today is the first day since I finished my school year that I am not making lists, preparing my home and spending money for the enjoyment of others.  That is honestly what I do ~ I can feel that my husband is becoming exhausted of this ~ I hadn’t noticed this until pretty recently ~ that at the expense of me, at the expense of us, we cater to other people’s needs. Our oldest son came home for a much needed vacation after putting in long hours at his job. He graduated college a year ago, got an internship just out of school and landed a full time job after the internship… we are very proud! Well… we have an annual 4th of July party since he was a young boy… 4th of July is my husbands birthday and we have always celebrated big… he came home to the familiar stress of pulling this all together… House prep, yard prep, food prep… a LOT of work!! I felt terrible, his vacation days leading up to the party were lost to this preparation and the day of the party, and then the clean up… this has also become very “old” to my husband… cooking and cleaning to have a party for him and his birthday has lost it’s splendor.  It is in moments like this that I have clarity for how it is time for us to concentrate on us more.  We are learning that the moments we get with our children these days are fewer and fewer and we need to embrace them differently now. Our time together is becoming scheduled and dictated by jobs and adult responsibilities, we need to use the days wisely. Acknowledgement of a problem is always the first step…

I have taken today to gather my thoughts and rest. Tomorrow I will begin making lists of things I want to accomplish in the days and weeks ahead. Next week I will put it all into action ~ I feel fresh and excited for what’s ahead.  It’s all part of my journey… I deserve the time needed to feel refreshed… I will embrace the 3 R’s of summer ~ Rest, Relax, Rejuvenate.

“Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is relax.”  ~ Mark Black

 

 

Uncategorized

Being Fair in an Unfair World

It’s what I was taught, it is what I have taught my children.  Having values and principles to live by…  Treating others with fairness, being trustworthy, being honorable… all of these attributes are supposed to add up to something, there was an unspoken understanding that you would somehow be rewarded for the hard work it is to sustain such dignity.

Well, here I am… 45 years old… awakening to my purpose and questioning everything. If you’ve read my other posts you’ll see that I am in one of life’s many transitions ~ spending my free time these days in reflection.  Amidst the first weeks of Donald Trump’s presidency and seeing our world turned side ways ~ feeling divided in so many ways ~ I assess my own life.  I honestly question whether I’ve properly prepared my children for what they are entering into.  Could teaching them fairness and goodness really have been a mistake?

Our youngest son is 18, a senior in high school, and preparing for his next phase in life.  He is the captain of his basketball team, the team is doing very well this season (11-3) and they just played their most recent game last night, a tough match.  We are waking up this morning to a devastating loss, we lost to a team that is one of our rivals in the league.  We beat them in our own gym a few weeks back by 20 points and were now meeting them in “their house”. I do not want to make excuses for the loss, I simply want to point out my observations and how sad it makes me feel to reflect on it this morning.

I’ve never used tactics to get ahead.  I have never taught my children to plot and scheme against anyone or anything to win or overachieve. This is where in the world we live in today I open myself up for such hurt and I wonder if I’ve done the same to my children?  The harsh reality, which took me much too long to realize is the world isn’t fair.  We arrived at the game last night to find out they had changed the start time due to a recruiting event the school was having… our boys are then in the visiting locker room for longer than usual and there is excessive banging and screaming on the outer doors and walls… we then enter into the gym, a packed house for their event, and their coach quickly decides to forego the National Anthem… the game began and our kids were already out of rhythm and out of focus ~ they got us off our feet before the game even began.  These are tactics.  Tactics the coaches went to great lengths to scheme and work out long before the athletes went head to head on the floor.  Then there was the questionable referees, don’t get me started. These types of things I have a very hard time understanding and accepting ~ this is a basketball game ~ these are kids ~ I get winning and losing and I am very competitive ~ but competitive on a level playing field ~ I HATE the use of tactics and defrauding a situation to get ahead.  I know, I know… I am in for a world of hurt for feeling this way and thinking others are going to play by the rules… that is honestly my life story.

I grew up thinking everyone was taught like me to be fair and just… that everyone wouldn’t be able to live with themselves if they did something to hurt someone else without saying sorry ~  I know now that that is not at all the case and I am having a difficult time accepting it.  I am so mindful in my days that clearly seeing people doing these types of things to each other, or to me or to my children is extremely disheartening.  It has become a daily occurrence, on our TVs in the media, in the workplace, and now in our schools and on our playgrounds.  I am again in uncharted waters and will work to guide myself and my children through it.

“Not everyday is a good day, live anyway.  Not all you love will love you back, love anyway.  Not everyone will tell you the truth, be honest anyway.  Not all deals are fair, be fair anyway.”