Today is the 2nd day of January 2017. With the New Year brings hope, it brings change…with change brings transition…with transition (for me) brings anxiety. I have anxiety. I am beginning to understand it. The “what ifs” often over run my mind. I learn daily how to deal and cope with the thoughts.
We are beginning a new year. Welcome 2017!
I am learning with each day to understand myself and others. We just had a wonderful holiday, surrounded by lots of friends and family, we had a blast! I am an active member of FaceBook, I enjoy seeing others “news” and happenings. I like to post, I like to be positive, I like to inspire, that is what I use FaceBook for. I very rarely share the way I share here in my blog, I’m not sure it feels like the right venue. I don’t see a point in a negative world to be negative… I usually keep negative thoughts to myself and override them in public with more positive things. What I’ve realized this does is makes the world see one side of you… They don’t know that I wallow in sad thoughts sometimes, that I cry, that I get angry… They think all of life is rosy. Is that really inspiring? If I’m going to share should I try to share all of me? I really don’t know ~ who would it help? Would it help me? I kind of feel like a fraud sometimes, like when I’m around people and they are seeing me and experiencing me… I am human, I have opinions, often negative and judgemental. Most people don’t know that about me ~ am I hiding? Do I intentionally do this? I am becoming increasingly more aware of the pressure of people saying how wonderful I am – how wonderful our family is – how wonderful our marriage is – all of these things are true – life is marvelous, we are Blessed!! I am Blessed!! But we are human too – we struggle – we fall – we get up – we have and feel ups and downs too! Does this need to be aired out to be understood? As I write this, I feel like I’m answering my own questions – which is why I write! I write to find clarity in things I question… I am feeling like I don’t tell untruths when I post, I don’t pretend to be happy when we are in photographs, I am genuinely happy – I am genuinely filled with joys most days, in most moments… I am not hiding. When I get close to someone and we have ‘real talk’ – I am honest about who I am – I put no effort in trying to be someone else, so what is the worry? Anxiety.
Most recently my anxiety runs through my mind in a strange way. As I said, we’ve had a marvelous holiday. Lots of special times… friends, family, food, laughter (all my favorite things!) But there has been terrible local news lately with the death of two local teenagers in Falmouth, both 18 years old (my youngest sons age) They were athletes, sons, grandsons, friends… kids! It is horrifying to think of their families – it is very difficult for me even allow myself to think about it. These things weigh on me so very heavily. What it does is makes me assess everything – that is what leads me to this post – when I look at our perfect Christmas card, when I look back at my pubic posts of fun times and love & laughter, when I assess our amazing year of 2016 with successes of college graduation, new relationships… all of the wonderful things… it scares me – My mind will often wander to those families who lost their sons. I wonder if that were me… would I still be able to find joy in everyday? Would I become bitter? Do people who have had these types of losses look at me like I live in some sort of dream-state – that I don’t and can’t understand that there can not be joy… Do some of the people who see how happy we are get angry? I have a guy at my work who is cynical, he’s negative, he’s open about how life has dragged him down… He is divorced, his son is a grown man now and lives far away, they don’t see each other hardly ever anymore… He makes statements to me sometimes about how I’m “too happy” and that he was happy once too. He says I live the perfect life. I guess when he says these things I know them to be true – but I work at that EVERYDAY!! I nurture relationships, I love and honor my husband, I make an effort to be near my children, I combat negativity with positivity – I honestly create my own world! I wake up each day with intention!!! So, when I worry (when my anxiety strikes!) When that moment strikes and the inner dialogue begins about scary things… like “what if” I lost one of my children… who would I be? Who would I become? The way that I combat that fear is that I envision the struggle, the pain to overcome… I keep hope and faith that I would have the strength to honor them and that we would have enough beautiful memories to sustain me. But I also turn my thoughts to TODAY… Live today with no regrets if it were all over tomorrow. That I think is the key – try not to fear the possibility of loss – embrace the now, we still have each other, don’t waste a single second to be stolen in the now!!
As I said, I’m learning… I am a work in progress. I am learning to not allow my anxiety to rule me and steal anything from me. I love and I am loved… that is all I need to continue to be the best me. Happy 2017!