communication, family, life, marriage, purpose, raising kids, time, trust

Pondering… Wondering… Searching…

I’m pondering life. I’m wondering if I could be going a bit crazy. I’m searching for answers to where I’m headed. Is there any wonder why my head is spinning and I have a hard time functioning these days?  I have had some side effects of a new generic brand of birth control pills.  My hormones have gone array and I am literally spinning. I am weepy, I have episodes of depression that are scary and I feel very anxious.

Maybe with all of this happening with me it’s not the right time to ponder, wonder or search? But it’s part of my normal daily existence anyhow, it’s just a bit more emotionally heightened these days. Because I’m feeling out of sorts, I look inward.  I am so aware of myself and my feelings that when I am not acting like “me” I can’t stand it!! I don’t like to pretend to feel okay, but I also don’t like to burden others with my negative feelings and concerns. therefore it feels better just to recluse and not be bothered (or bother) anyone else.  But I can’t, I have a job, I have a husband, I have children… I still have many roles to fill each and every day.  I have been told by others who dealt with similar feelings that it’s best to just keep working, just keep moving, keep your mind busy.  I have been attempting that for 3 days now and I have cried on my lunch break, I’ve cried in the fire escape stairwell, and have fought off feelings of hopelessness, frustration and fatigue throughout each day. I have glimpses of ‘normal’ (What the hell is that anyway?) as my day goes on… This sudden change in ups and downs of my emotions is my very reason for wondering if I may be going a bit crazy…? I work with kids at my job, so my very best moments are when I am directly interacting with them, I feel lowest when it’s quiet and my mind isn’t busy… But I know myself, I know I can’t continue to suppress these feelings and be just “okay” or “fine”. ” My norm” is to be energized by life itself and filled with joy (even when I’m alone). I feel like part of my ‘purpose’ is to bring joy to others, I just can’t continue to feel this way.  I have a call into my doctor to answer some of my questions… is this really hormonal? Will I get back on track with the re-taking of my old birth control pill? Do I need another type of medication to get regulated again? What is happening???

In my first paragraph, I mentioned searching, searching for ‘where I’m headed’? When I say this, it is because I feel like a lot of what I am going through right now may be something I read about as I searched my odd symptoms on the internet the other night.  I was fishing for others who may have been feeling the way I’ve been feeling, looking to validate some of my own strange thoughts and behaviors.  My thoughts and behaviors clearly are defined by depression. But, what I found that seemed to make sense was something called “transitional depression”.  It is defined by people who have a hard time with transitioning and often become stressed and depressed in the process. Well, that could be me!! The answers I was searching for was ‘how can I be clinically depressed when on a normal day I am an extremely happy, positive, and optimistic individual but then sometimes I reach these points where I can not get up and function as myself and have a negative thought pattern?’  The answer is that transitional depression can strike at different times in your life and you kind of get off track.  When I analyze my life right now, I am clearly in a transition.  Our oldest son is in his senior year of college, graduating in the spring and doesn’t know yet if he will be coming home or getting an intern somewhere and moving to begin his life somewhere else. Our daughter is in her first year of college (4 hours away), we said good-bye to her in August and have only brief conversations and minimal visits since she’s been gone. Our youngest son is a junior in high school, got his license this week and will begin the process of figuring out his next step in life in the coming months… WOW!! Could I give myself a break? These are H U G E transitions for all of us! I have always prided myself in being so intuitive as a mother, my heart so attached to my children, our closeness and our unique way of communicating… now I am not sure if setting myself up for all this confusion was such a good idea?  Because of our tight bonds I am often talking each one of them through the emotions that come along with what they are going through…helping them to process and transition.  Well, in the meantime I am having a flood of my own emotions.  Learning how to let go of them… allowing my heart to break while my intellect tells me I am doing it all correctly!?!? Am I really? Is this correct??  My heart tells me to call or text them every evening (every hour) and check in, my heart tells me to visit any chance we get, my heart tells me to smother them with hugs and kisses whenever they an arms length away…. But, my intellect demands that I leave them alone… let them text and call when they have time… let them figure things out until they need to ask for help… let them spend weekends on campus to meet new people and navigate new territory.  I mentally exhaust myself by knowing the right thing to do for them, but struggling a constant struggle with what my heart feels like in the process.  The truth is… it just hurts.  Them being away from our family unit hurts.

Then all in the same moment I get mad at myself for spending that kind of energy on what that feels like when I still have my almost 17 year old right in front of me.  Believe me… I snuggle with him every chance I get, just him laying on the end of our bed staring at his phone brings me more joy then he could ever even imagine! I still refer to him as my baby, and although I suppose I should stop calling him that he forever will be just that! My husband and I have the same bond with him as we do with our others, so the thoughts of him leaving us too, is almost too much to bear and I cannot allow my thoughts to go there at this time.  Soon, we will have to.  He will begin college visits and his own life decisions… I do believe this road I am on is a long one.

I will try to be patient with myself.  I will continue to talk with my husband and my friends about how hard it is. I will embrace the moments I have left with our youngest at home and learn new ways of finding joy in my life.  They have always been a ‘built in’ joy for my husband and I.  For 22 years we have had external joy, living life through the trials and tribulations of our children, we will now find joy in each other, again.  I look forward to it actually… I would just like to be better at transitioning. 🙂changes-ahead

 

 

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